Because…an easy ride is for the weak!
#1 – Thou Shalt Kick-Off In The Car
Well, there’s no time like the present. Start as you mean to go on and show those parents who’s boss! All that threenage energy has to go somewhere, so why not unleash it in an unholy temper tantrum when Mummy does something completely unacceptable like remove the water bottle from your grasp after you’ve doused half of it on the car floor? If lucky you may also wake the baby sibling to help heighten the joyous sound of screaming…for a good 45 minutes.
#2 – Thou Shalt Insist On Racing Ahead Or Lagging Behind. Nothing In-between!
Once in the airport, it’s reasonable for a threenager to heighten the general feeling of unease by either zooming 100 metres ahead, or lagging 100 metres behind the parentals (who, incidentally, are hugely hindered under the weight of suitcases, nappy bags, a ridiculous amount of snacks, and oh, the baby!
#3 – Thou Shalt Conduct A Toilet Sprint From Mummy
Following a perfectly timed toilet trip request as the bag lady skeptically examined the identity of the parentals, send Mummy into mild cardiac arrest by RUNNING AT FULL PELT while she washes her hands. Time it wisely so she gets stuck behind a slow-walker as you dash into a hall full of people. Scream in protest as she grabs and hauls you back to Daddy.
#4 – Thou Shalt “Help” Daddy With The Duty-Free Shop
Once through passport control and safely sat waiting for the flight, do another not-so-stealthy escape from Mummy as she sits with the bags and the baby. Run, full-pelt, into duty-free and “help” Daddy select a present for his boss by touching all the precariously displayed and enticingly coloured vodka and whisky bottles. Vehemently protest as you’re carried back to Mummy, and repeat the process of running, touching and protesting around three times before Daddy finally gives in (mwahaha, sucker!)
#5 – Thou Shalt Disregard The RED TAPE
You know, the red tape that signifies “keep back”, “stay out”, “queue nicely”. Yeah, disregard that completely and cruise through on your mouse-shaped Trunki. Perform a three-point-turn in front of your audience. Oh and bonus status for running over toes, smashing into baggage, and achieving the golden “death scowl” from other passengers towards the parentals inthis process!
#6 – Thou Shalt Kick, Scream, Spit And Scratch On Take-Off
Because, lets face it, this has been brewing since the moment you woke up. Unleash it with all your force when asked to do something simple like open the window blind on take-off. Take your wrath out on the person closest to you (Mummy!) via the effective form of “gahijnfaghinngdagagfsfhjinbgsarthhhinng-ing” Kick, flail, spit and scratch for additional threenage hellraiser effect!
#7 – Thou Shalt Be Unreasonably Loud The Entire Flight
Once calmed, state all your needs with an amplified voice. Choose to request a poo as loudly as possible. Oh and make sure you wake the tearful toddler in front you the moment her Mummy has soothed her!
#8 – Thou Shalt Incessantly Demand Snacks
Do so with a slight whine in your voice as you request sandwiches, sausages, water, juice, crisps, chicken, chocolate, and golden Phoenix eggs. Eat everything (including the parentals’ snacks), then complain that you’re still hungry…
#9 – Thou Shalt Spend An Average Of 10 Minutes On Each Entertainment Form
Though Mummy may THINK she has packed enough forms of entertainment for a five hour flight, she, in fact, had not. Ensure this is the case by spending no more than 10 minutes on each thing. Colouring can be completed in a mad whirl or scribbles; plastercine should be mushed and discarded; new toy cars should be dropped into the abyss of neighbouring plane seats; and cartoons, well, they’re never on LOUD enough are they?!
#10 – Thou Shalt Piss Off All Surrounding Passengers
This is a given. If the parentals’ fellow parent passengers are not appropriately sympathetic and lobbing iPads by the dozen to help soothe you… And if the parentals’ fellow childless passengers do not want to be sterilized immediately… Then thou have failed! Ensure victory by repeating commandments #6, #7, and #8 until landing!
Bonus points… turn into a sweet little angel the exact moment you reach home!
P.s. Oh god, please share your travel horror stories with me!!!