My Kids Won’t Let Me Wee!

This post was originally called ‘Things I Can No Longer Do As A Mother Of Two’…but the above title just seemed way more accurate, because, man! A trip to the bathroom is a planned and meticulously executed family affair right now, whereby, WE ALL GO!

It’s on the one hand hilarious how mundane tasks (and pleasures) now seem completely out of reach as the mother of two little ones who rarely leave my side. On the other hand (and it depends what mood I’m in), it’s completely and utterly infuriatingly frustrating that I can’t even make a cup of tea without at least one child crying or needing sudden and immediate attention.

It’s Mum life!

And as a stay at home Mama, it’s one of those life ironies that I basically have allllllll the time in the world, yet absolutely none!

NONE! Zero. Zilch. Nada. (*Oh you wonder how I type these words…)

So, yes, with my husband still around 5,000 miles away sweltering in Dubai while we enjoy the fresh air of the English countryside, I’d say if I even get a millisecond of time to myself right now (usually when I close my eyes and block out the noise) then I claim that as a victory…

Of course “millisecond” is an over exaggeration. I mean, I absolutely get at least 2 minutes alone when my Mum pops over to have a cuppa, whereby I promptly pass her a child so I can do something crap like load the dishwasher!

It’s tough! Lovely, absolutely yes. I adore my babies. But tough. I flit between feeling like a completely normal sane person, to feeling like I’m about to have a full-blown Britney 2006 moment whereby I shave my head and probably my eyebrows too!

Because OH MY GOD it never stops! And my god, there is just no time to be productive in the never-ending hours of the day. Ironic yes. Frustrating? Ooooooh yes!

And it got me thinking about all the other stuff I find hard as a mum of two littles. Where everyday mundane things somehow seem a luxury because of their unrefined ridiculous simplicity. Because, quite simply, going for a wee is easy when you don’t have a ferret-like toddler dashing around your ankles while you bounce a small baby from room to room.

Things like…

Reading A Book With A Cuppa – I mean, If I had a paperback, the pages would be bent, torn and my position lost by my curious (read: destructive) tot. My Kindle sits mockingly by my bedside table…or is otherwise to be found thrown on the floor like most of my prized possessions right now. Oh, and any cup of tea, unless situated on a firm, preferably high-up surface, will be accidentally kicked, knocked, spilled, and generally ruined by said toddler who seems to be EVERYWHERE (yet nowhere I actually need him!)

Wearing Nice Jewellery – Actually, it doesn’t even have to be nice. Any form of jewellery (unless stud earrings) will be pulled or snapped. My engagement ring has the tendency to scratch baby-skin, and I had to hide my nice watch through fear it will, also, be thrown.

Enjoy A Meal Uninterrupted – Well, I don’t generally count, but between the baby and the tot, I’d say I am up and down from my seat at least 5 times each meal. The reasons for doing so include, but are not limited to; sauce requests, water requests, jiggling and calming the baby, toilet trips for the tot, more food requests, “I waaaannnnttttt Paw Patrol” requests. “I waaannnnttttt sooommmmeeeettthhhhiiinnnggggg” requests. Eating standing is the way forward…

Showering Alone – I can’t leave the tot with the baby, so the tot has to come with me. EVERYWHERE. Showering together kills two birds with one stone as I get him clean too. Yet I can’t quite remember the last time I was able to shave my legs in our little square cubicle!

Watching Adult TV – NO, I DON’T MEAN DIRTY ADULT TV. I mean any form of TV NOT designed for children. Like the news. I would LOVE to watch the news. But no, any form of TV action will inevitably lead to incessant whining for “Daniel Tiger”. And that, quite frankly, is not something that I’m happily prepared to deal with…

Walking In And Out A Shop Without An Existential Crisis – Give me a shop, any shop, and I guarantee one of us will leave crying. It’s usually the toddler because he just can’t deal with shops. And then there’s me, thinking “what the actual F*CK am I doing with my life” when I can’t even look at a selection of mushrooms without some unholy terror being unleashed on poor unsuspecting shoppers.

Cleaning The House – The house is like having a third child. It’s a constant mess! Clean one room and you can almost guarantee there is some form of unspeakable damage is being done to the adjacent one. Fantasizing about striping the bed alone is a questionable thing to admit too…(I used to be cool, I promise).

Taking The Bin Out – This falls under the ‘can’t leave toddler alone with baby’ dilemma, so we usually ALL have to go. At least one of us will have no shoes on…

Generally Relaxing At All – I think I last relaxed back in 2014. You learn to live without, however jumpiness is a side-effect.

Getting The Baby To Nap – My sweet baby would LOVE to nap. Her big brother is too noisy to let her (and me) maximise this potential.

Getting The Toddler To Bed – And vice versa, the toddler won’t sleep until the baby sleeps. But the toddler keeps waking the baby, and the baby keeps waking the toddler. It’s a never ending Catch 22 of me just begging one to drop off!

Staying Up Past 10pm – Just. Not. Possible.

Oh gosh, there’s so much more, but you get the gist!

So what do I get to do, you ask? Well, there’s this…

IMG_2115

And how very very worth it!!!!!

Abbey x

* Through my bleary eyes and exhausted body after finally getting the two down to sleep. THAT’S how I manage to blog, because, quite simply, it helps to unleash these thoughts that buzz around my head. It’s my hobby talking to you lot!

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