I shouted at you today.
We had a busy morning shopping. It’s pretty boring, but you make it fun in your own special way I guess (normally to my exasperation as I berate you to follow me around the shops!)
One of these special ways on this particular morning, however, was running away from me in the car park.
You terrified me. It was absolutely horrible.
You grow every day, and with each day, my trust in you grows too.
Today, however, we took a step back.
I yelled, I screamed, I ran after you while carrying the bags. My trust in you to walk and hold my hand went down significantly. I was so damn scared you’d get yourself knocked over or killed.
So yes, I screamed. And then I grabbed you into the safety of my arms (once I had caught you a few feet away).
And then I shouted at you. Angry shouting. Gut-instinct shouting I think!
I shouted at you to not be so silly because it’s so dangerous. I shouted that you shouldn’t run away from Mummy, that it’s not a game when cars are around. I shouted that I love to you so much, my life would end if anything happened to you.
It made you cry.
You were so sad that Mummy was “cross” with you. I felt awful, but at least the shock of my reaction resonated.
And then you sulked. You sulked all the way home. And I sulked back at you, because you upset me too.
I worry sometimes that I shout more than I should. It’s easy for us to lose our patience with each other sometimes. We spend so much time together, after all.
But you shout at me too. A LOT in fact.
Sometimes I think I’m in trouble with you from the moment you wake up!
It gets to me sometimes, especially when there is an edge of meanness alongside the shouting and frustration. In fact I sat and cried on Christmas Day, because you were so utterly horrible to me in Church.
Your Nana said to me afterwards what a good boy you are for her. I know you are, and it made me even sadder.
Because it’s true. You can be an absolute angel most of the time. But you enjoy saving devilish moments the antichrist would be proud of for me and Daddy! It’s kind of impressive!
But deep down I know that you shout because you love us too.
We’re your safe zone. Your protection. We’re the place that you can completely and utterly be yourself (tears, tantrums and antichrist behavior included).
I guess it’s balanced, because despite all of this, you reserve your sweetest moments for us too.
The moments where you’ll sit while having your breakfast and say out of the blue “I love you, Mama”. The moments when you just can’t physically get close enough for cuddles, so you’ll reach out to turn my face so you can look at me. The moments when you don’t have to say anything, because the look of adoration in your eyes says it all. And the moments, like today, when you realize you have upset me, and after all the tears, you turn to me and say “Sorry Mama” in your sweet little voice.
So yes, we shout at each other. Because we’re upset, or frustrated, or scared or worried.
But we shout because we love each other, and that’s the best excuse ever I reckon!
Mwah, Mummy x
Captured during our photo session with Sophia Mattia Photography. Though I hadn’t shouted here…you were just being grumpy!