So, I heard along the grapevine that Mama used to quite enjoy shopping once upon a time. Apparently, before I was born, she could visit at least five shops and actually have time (and money) to purchase items. Apparently too, she could even wear these said items, because she had something known as a “social life”… whatever that means, she’s always on Facebook!
Anyway, I’ve noticed with horror recently that Mama seems to be taking me to these shopping places quite a lot. I mean, why? Why is it necessary, unless of course to visit a toy shop?
With this “Festive Season” in full swing too, I am sure I am not the only toddler who has noticed this significant increase. With my huge two years’ of experience then, I thought I would set out some of my rules of the game when I go out shopping with Mama…just to help ensure that you can all give your Mamas’ the least enjoyable shopping experience possible too.
You’re guaranteed she’ll follow you straight to the toy shop after these rules are carefully followed, and you’ll be home with a new toy in no time, unlikely to return shopping again (that week at least!)
So, first things first…
#1 Deny The Pram
For any fellow two year olds this is fairly obvious, but it may not be for our younger friends. You MUST deny your pram – it is vital you have freedom to ensure maximum carnage in the following steps. If she by some chance does wrestle you in, just plank and scream until enough fellow grown-ups have glared at her – she’ll soon release you! Magic.
#2 Apply ‘Hurricane Mode’ In The First Shop
This literally means go full force around the shop. There is no limit to how many clothes you can pull, how many shoes you can throw, how many mannequins you can touch, and how many ladies’ bottoms you can smack. Another tip? INSIST on taking control of the pram – it’s an excellent ramming device, but because you obviously can’t see where you’re going, Mama is totally accountable for the glares and tuts from fellow shoppers, mwahaha!
#3 Walk As Slowly As Possible When In Transit
You can go sideways, or backwards, or horizontally, or one step forward two steps back. It’s totally up to you. However, it is ESSENTIAL that you do not walk in a straight line alongside Mama to her next shopping destination. No! I am talking 40 minute process to walk 100 metres here. It’s absolutely possible, especially if you throw in a mid-way meltdown over nothing.
#4 Eat At Least Three Sugar Cubes
Having likely been in the shopping vicinity for around two hours now, but having only visited one shop, Mama will likely start seeking refuge in one of those coffee shop places. This is brilliant and right where you want her. Refuse all food she offers. Instead, make full use of the materials placed in front of you in the form of SUGAR! Now, this usually comes in little packages, but I find actual cubes the best since you can pop them in your mouth for a more immediate impact. The packages, meh, they are more beneficial for making a mess, but have their uses if you’re skilled enough to neck them in one while Mum is distracted. All sugared up? Great, onto step 5…
#5 Have a COMPLETE Sh*t Fit
This really doesn’t have to be over anything at all really. I mean, you’ve just eaten three sugar cubes so you’re bound to start melting some point soon. You’re a toddler too and can absolutely get away with meltdowns over nothing! Maybe she is walking left, but you want to go right? Maybe you recall a toy at home that you suddenly really really want? (“RED FIRE TRUUCCCKKKK, RED FIRE TRUUCCCKKKK!!”) Or maybe you suddenly don’t like the colour of your shoes you’re wearing. It doesn’t matter. Just throw a level 9 meltdown.
#6 Insist On A New Toy
By this time, Mama is probably at the end of her tether and veering back to the car. The chances are (because marketing specialists are cruel to grown-ups like this), that you’ll chance upon a shop that has some kind of toy display in its window. Continue said meltdown until you’re allowed in to look at and touch the toys. Then continue continuing your meltdown until chosen toy is purchased. There is no time limit, just keep going! Viola!
#7 Be SO Sweet On The Way Home
So, mission accomplished! Get to the car, get strapped in, open toy. Play happily while Mama silently weeps. Sweetly babble to yourself for several minutes until Mama is fully on route home, then tell her in your most beautiful voice “I love you, Mama” as you baby-bat your long lashes at her in the rear-view mirror. Do this because, you know, you genuinely do love her more than anything else in the whole wide world…you just HATE shopping. She’ll be wrecked and forgive you instantly!
Does this sound familiar? I wish I could say its fabrication, but nah, I really do dislike shopping with my toddler. If we do go out it’s usually based around him (soft play, toy shop, lunch, home). I can’t remember the last time I went blissfully shopping by myself!
And for anyone else panicking about the mountain of Christmas shopping to be done…I’m thinking online shopping and gifts that don’t require physical purchase and wrapping (Spa voucher, anyone?)
Ho Ho Ho!
Abbey & Zachy x