A Baby-Tot’s Guide To Not-A-Toy Christmas Toys

10842211_10152906390761119_8243384104015150445_oDear Mum & Dad,

Over the past year, I’ve noticed that you’ve pretty much spent a small fortune on toys for me. From plush teddies to plastic cars, wooden bikes to rockin-sheep, it seems like every time we go out, I’m lumbered with some new and useless toy that loses all interest after about five minutes.

So, with Christmas fast approaching, I thought I would try and save you the hassle by listing out the items I’d generally much prefer to play with this year.

You and I both know that I love toys that are not ‘really’ toys…so in no particular order, this is what I’d love to find in my Christmas stocking this year…

A Remote Control – The three at home have lost their appeal over the past year, so I do request a new one, or two.

Phone Chargers – An excellent whipping and tripping device! I do so love a good phone charger to play with while you’re trying to relax in bed on a Saturday morning.

A Phone – A mobile is good, but the landline with the curly cord is preferable…

The Cat – Wrapped in a bow. Please make him play with me!

Coins – Metallic is my flavor of choice this Christmas. These little rudiments of delight are also excellent for throwing at the cat when he won’t play.

Plug Sockets – I am just drawn to these inviting little cavities of danger. Please let me touch and examine!

Mum’s Make-up – Brushes are great, but eyeliner is better – fantastic for expressing my creativity on the walls.

Sunglasses – I really love modifying these into new shapes and sizes…and pieces.

Cup Of Tea – The hotter and fuller the better. Mum, yours are always the best!

Mum’s Heels – These can look really beautiful dispersed across the bedroom. I would like more (and I’m pretty sure Mum would too!)

A Lampshade – I just discovered the wonders of the lampshade. Can I have more with the clicky buttons!? Any attached to plug sockets would also be preferable…

A Spatula – No longer the top of my list, but it has its cat swiping purposes.

Car Keys – Sharp, hazardous, and detrimental if lost – incredibly fun and also come in my favourite flavor of metallic.

Mum’s Purse – Unimaginable wonders are to be found in this little carrier of joy! I want I want I want!

A Beer Can – Preferably full and cold, straight from Dad’s fridge. Great for throwing and licking!

Pens – Many many uses. I mainly like to draw on my legs, but the walls can be fun too.

Sudocrem – So white, so sticky, so wet-wipe resistant!

A Sweeping Brush – Preferably the one that’s been left to rot outside for months, but the standard cupboard under the stairs brush has its amusements too.

A Tube Of Toothpaste – Hours of fun and creative enjoyment. My last tube unfortunately got misplaced so I am requesting a replacement.

A Washing Machine – SO MANY BUTTONS!

This pretty much sums up my main items. There are plenty more, but I’m not one to be greedy. I would also like to highlight that I do not want clothes of any size, shape or form. Reindeer jumpers especially will not be tolerated. Footwear is also an absolute no-no. Any age-appropriate toys will be ignored.

Thank you and love you lots and lots,

Zachy x



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